she kept yelling 'call me bella'
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Will exercising make me less horny?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
