Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
