Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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