i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
love makes seman taste better
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Floor bacon is actually really good
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
