my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
We named our party play list daddy issues
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
he fucked my hip out of place.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
