she woke up with a sticky ear
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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