I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
