What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
