I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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