i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
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The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
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So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard