He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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