listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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