I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
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Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
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I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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