I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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