My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
