i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize