know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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