I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Randomize
