God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
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$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
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Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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