I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
