I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize