How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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