Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
