ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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