we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
