I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
