He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
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I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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