my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize