I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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