I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
