90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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