I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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