My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
