I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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