even my farts smell like vagina
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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