i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
