Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I got inside last night via doggy door
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
