Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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