She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
