How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
