Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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