The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
