At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
