the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
hell yes lets make some ravioli
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
