you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
