I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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