This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
What drink are we having for lunch?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
We are all done wearing pants today
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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