if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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