A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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