We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
