I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
