after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
