I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
