Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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