I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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