you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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