I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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