I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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