i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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