Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Ambien. No doubt about it.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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