I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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