In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
