You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I need moral support for this bender
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
