she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
